This is an adventure...

The Star

2006-12-01T03:43:54Z

The Star
You scored 75 change, 65 wellbeing, 58 wisdom, and 44 truth

The woman in this card represents the subconscious mind gathering knowledge from the universal subconscious and pouring it over humanity. The right leg that supports her weight is bent in a 90degree angle suggesting that all will be learned if you search in the right places, with her foot resting in the pool of knowledge. The left hand pours the waters over the land and it disburses into 5 separate streams representing the 5 natural senses of man.

some extra words:

regaining hope
having faith in the future
thinking positively
believing
counting your blessings
seeing the light at the end of the tunnel
feeling great expectation
looking forward to success
being inspired
regaining motivation
realizing an inner strength
seeing the way clear
being stimulated to a higher level
creating
receiving the answer

being generous
wanting to give or share
spreading the wealth
opening your heart
giving back what you have received
letting love flow freely
offering with no reservations
holding nothing back

feeling serene
experiencing peace of mind
relaxing
finding your still center
remaining untroubled
savoring perfect calm
being tranquil amid trouble
enjoying harmony

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 84% on change

You scored higher than 53% on wellbeing

You scored higher than 21% on wisdom

You scored higher than 5% on truth

Link: The What tarot card resembles you Test written by KamikazeParrot on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

cardboard cut out man

2006-11-24T16:49:12Z

So I found a new apartment living with a close friend in a town I would have never chosen to move to if my life hadn't had the rug swept out from underneath me. It has much more space than we can use. It's ironic that the place I lived with Melissa had no space for either of us to breath, and now that I live in dumpsville I have more space than I can handle. Life is cruel. I'm finding it hard to accept things still, but I am managing. I don't think she cares much about how I feel anymore and I just need to get used to that. Once I move I hope I can find something to center me. Right now I just want life to hand me my pink slip so I can just go somewhere else and find loving tendril beasts by way of the 8th dimension to take care of me and milk my wounds free from all this poison. The part that boggles me the most is that after so many years of saying I love you, now when she hugs me, I can feel this layer of false caring and distance, like she is hugging a cardboard cut out man...it just kills me because I still love her in whatever aspect she exists to me as and would still lay down my life to keep her safe and well. Someday she will think of me and miss me...it probably won't happen until I move to Sedona and she realizes I left her behind.

Black Magic

2006-11-14T03:32:43Z

Black magic on my mind
making me an unkind man
seeking my revenge
gonna get it just as subtle as I can
split it into atoms
so it's easier to wash from my hands
Black magic on my mind
making me an unkind man

i can be reborn
this can be my first breath
you can be reborn too
this can be your first breath

so tragic left behind
the makings of kindly man
no magic intertwines
my heart sifts right through my hands
ditch the evil doers
and find myself a new home land
so tragic left behind
the makings of a love so grand

i can be reborn
this can be my first breath
you can be reborn too
this can be your furst breath

Black Magic on my mind
making me an unsound man
nothing left to sacrifice
nothing left to tie me to the land
this body was an alter
and now it's just an empty can
black magic on my mind
dragging me through burning sands

I can be reborn
this can be my first breath
you can be reborn too
even with your last breath

I am a fool

2006-11-12T22:47:40Z

Which Tarot Card Are You?

You are the Fool card. The Fool fearlessly begins the journey into the unknown. To do this, he does not regard the world he knows as firm and fixed. He has a seemingly reckless disregard for obstacles. In the Ryder-Waite deck, he is seen stepping off a cliff with his gaze on the sky, and a rainbow is there to catch him. In order to explore and expand, one must disregard convention and conformity. Those in the throes of convention look at the unconventional, non-conformist personality and think What a fool. They lack the point of view to understand The Fool's actions. But The Fool has roots in tradition as one who is closest to the spirit world. In many tribal cultures, those born with strange and unusual character traits were held in awe. Shamans were people who could see visions and go on journeys that we now label hallucinations and schizophrenia. Those with physical differences had experience and knowledge that the average person could not understand. The Fool is God. The number of the card is zero, which when drawn is a perfect circle. This circle represents both emptiness and infinity. The Fool is not shackled by mountains and valleys or by his physical body. He does not accept the appearance of cliff and air as being distinct or real. Image from: Mary DeLave http://www.marydelave.com/
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Another reason to not bother anymore...

2006-11-12T14:43:28Z

'TRUTH happens in a state of not knowing, truth happens in innocence. Truth happens where there are no clouds of thoughts moving in your consciousness, when sky is absolutely clear, when there is no abstraction, when you have no idea and God is or God is not. When you don't believe in no-God, when you are simply in a state of not knowing. You don't claim any knowledge, that non-claiming consciousness begins to open up. All knowledge burdens and closes you.' -Osho

Friendz...?

2006-11-12T13:29:52Z

I've learned recently that I am too trusting. I like and trust people to a fault. I need to start questioning the people around me and their motives. I take too much at trust. Way too much it seems. Oddly enough, here's a bit to chew on from the Jehovah's Witness POV:

Good Friends—Bad Friends
A YOUNG woman we will call Sarah poured out her heart in distress. A man she had thought of as a friend turned out to be a murderer. ‘If someone I trusted could do such a thing, how can I trust anyone?’ she asked. Her listener asked Sarah if she had known what kind of values the man had. She responded, “What do you mean?” Sarah didn’t even know what was meant by “values.” What about you? Do you know what your friends’ values are?

The answer to that question can literally mean life or death, as Sarah’s experience bears out. One Bible proverb puts it this way: “He that is walking with wise persons will become wise, but he that is having dealings with the stupid ones will fare badly.” (Proverbs 13:20) Yet, like Sarah, many people select friends merely on the basis of whether they “hit it off” or not—how they feel when they are around them. Naturally, we like to be with people who make us feel good. But if that is the only criterion for our choice, with little or no thought given to a person’s real inward qualities, we may be headed for great disappointment. How can you know whether a person has good values?

http://www.watchtower.org/e/20041208/article_03.htm

And if the fucking Jehovah's Witnesses weren't gangsta enough, here's what eminem has to offer:

What are friends? Friends are people that you think are your friends
But they're really your enemies, with secret indentities
and disguises, to hide they're true colors
So just when you think you're close enough to be brothers
they wanna come back and cut your throat when you ain't lookin
"If I Had" - Eminem

Not everyone I know falls into this category, but everyone is on notice from now on...

There is no such thing as coincidence...

2006-11-12T06:32:52Z

The way my life has been presenting me with stuff lately, the timing of it all, and the way I would act in relation to the timing, is just entirely fucked up. I no longer believe in coicidence. Everything happens on purpose. I think I am about to lose myself...hopefully music will be a strong enough anchor to keep me here.

This is hands down the best music video I have ever watched 20 times in a row. It actually does contain some of the great mysterious of life in it...and answers too! But, if you aren't a fractalian master of the 12th ascention, then those things are best left where you find them, and probably with a little extra dirt kicked over top out of kindness for the next hapless wanderer...

I am the champion, my friends...

2006-11-11T03:04:05Z

ENFP - The Champion
You scored 63% I to E, 15% N to S, 26% F to T, and 73% J to P!

Your type is known as the Champion type, which is part of the larger group called idealists. Nothing occurs that does not have some deep and ethical significance in your eyes. You see life as an exciting drama. You are very charismatic, yet tend to be too harsh on yourself for not being as genuine as you think you should be. 3% of the population shares your type.
As a romantic partner, you need to talk about what is going on in your life. You are a strong supporter for your partner's efforts to grow and change and be happy. You need to feel that same support from your partner. Expressive, optimistic, and curious, you are eager to enjoy new experiences with your partner, whom you wish to be your confidant and soul mate, as well as play mate. You are uncomfortable sharing negative emotion, though, and tend to withdraw from confrontation and process your feelings privately. You feel most loved when your partner appreciates your creativity, accepts your uniqueness, and sees you as the compassionate person you are. You need to hear your partner tell you how much you mean to them and would love if they did thoughtful spontaneous things to demonstrate it.
Your group summary: idealists (NF)
Your type summary: ENFP

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 74% on I to E

You scored higher than 10% on N to S

You scored higher than 17% on F to T

You scored higher than 82% on J to P

Link: The LONG Scientific Personality Test written by unpretentious2 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

I have discoverd that I am a hot blue faerie!

2006-11-11T01:22:35Z

??Which colour of Death is yours??

BLUE
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catfish_rivers @ 2006-11-08T00:19:00

2006-11-08T05:19:21Z

I realized tonight that my "little" cousin has actually grown into a pretty cool person to talk to. She seems a lot more with it than I remember myself to be at that age, and that is encouraging! Go future!

I've also had people from my past crawl out of the woodwork lately...the orbits of life are certainly scrambled! Someone pass the ketchup and pepper! I really think there is some celestial influence that has begun to influence people in strange and subtle ways, making us all act a little koo koo. I am starting to ponder that I should hed for yonder hills and get myself into the post-pole-shift-safe-zone. I think I know where to go. My dreams have got me making mashed potato mountains for weeks now, and I think, finally, I know where it is I have to go to meet them! Yes, they are coming! Oh Niburu, sweet salvation, the Alienz are coming!

tylenol pm to the rescue

2006-11-06T04:26:36Z

I think the moon is fucking with me. I feel extremely wired in an unsettling way...kinda like having a hand zapper on my ear the whole night...2 hikes and 2 baths in one day and I am still wound up. I took a couple tylenol pms, so hopefully soon I will be unthinking and sleeping. I have to say, I am excited about the changes I am consciously undergoing...but I am still stuck in the scratch on the record...if i can stay the course and not freak out, I am going to be polished like a diamond. the energy has to go somewhere. hopefully it can feed my transformation, and change the way I live. I know I do what I do now and I barely try. I think after this winter, come spring, as everything else comes back to life, so will Jeremy.

Oh yeah, I heard two deer trouncing through the woods earlier. I started to run inside, thinking it was a garbage food crazed black bear, but then noticed it was two deer again, making a lot of noise on all the fallen leaves. They stopped to look at me for a moment under the crazy moon and then kept on their way probably to try to cross Berkshire Valley Road. I have to continue to put myself out in the world and give it a chance to let stuff happen to me. If I don't cross the road, nothing new will ever collide with my life.

But right now, I just want to collide with my pillows. Good Night Cruel World.

more walking less talking

2006-11-05T21:15:16Z

Dingo and I made the 3.5 mile trail again today, and even took a couple side trails to some cool look out spots. I made it in quicker time today. I think yesterday I was pacing myself not fully remembering how long the uphill parts were, but today I made it through in just around 1:15 minutes, even with the diversions. We didn't really linger at any point. The goal was simply to stay in motion and try to be as alert as I could. On one of the diversions we saw two deer with white fluffy tails prancing away into the thicker woods. We just kept looking and walking but never really stopping today (except for dingo to leave secret messages on trees).

I was inspired yesterday when I slipped in the mud, and would have been totally covered head to toe in mud, but somehow I acted quickly and did this push up thing (hence forward to be refered to as "The Push Up") and grunted real loud, and actually pushed myself back up standing. I haven't done anything like that in a reallly long time. I felt proud of myself (and luckily totally without any weird muscle tears of pulls), because I was really just about to wipe face first in the mud. Luckily, I avoided the slippery spots today. It is amazing how the water can change the landscape. When I was on this trail a few years ago, there was no river running through it, but now there is, and there has been enough time for someone to build a little make-shift, yet sturdy , walking bridge to get across. The path however, is slightly submerged, and it reminds me of my own path right now. Do I try to build bridges that lead who knows where? Or do I run down a new path entirely to who knows else where? I can't keep walking the same 3.5 mile loop forever...but for now at least the exercise is a blessing enough.

walking, talking with myself

2006-11-05T01:56:44Z

I went on a 3.5 mile hike to the highest point in Morris County this afternoon to try and sort my thoughts out a bit. My mind has been inevitably straying back to the same set of painful thoughts. I decided a hike to the highest point in Morris County would do me good, at least just to get out of the house and open to the World to show me something. I have gone there before in times of emotional upset. There's something about bringing your grief as high towards the sky as you can, to offer it up. It felt good to be hiking, the day was crisp and cold, and the trails were empty to me and my dog. I noticed at one point, after I had been moving up one of the more intense inclines, my heart was thumping away, and I noticed that the voice that keeps the anxiety thought loops in my brain spinning, was actually silenced for a little while..., and I think I will be able to keep entering that place outside of the painful thought processes if I actually make an attempt at doing so. It's so hard to keep myself from just lying down and giving up. But, I will just keep walking and talking until my head eventually quiets down, and hopefully also my heart. I have a lot of emotional de-programming to work on. I wish I had a vacation lined up...

god damn it all

2006-11-03T02:14:54Z

My mother got fired from her 20+ year long job for no good reason. I can not fathom how everything is going crazy all at once. I am starting to believe I have the luck of Hurley from Lost. If you see me on the street, run the other way. I might kill your dog with a smile...

i can't handle this well

2006-11-02T04:26:40Z

I am all over the place with what I am feeling. My emotions are not retuning themselves at the same speed as hers. It makes communication with her so difficult. I better try and sleep this off...

bearing onward

2006-11-01T04:49:47Z

To defy the stars
break the rules nature has set
i bear no religion
my insides are out

the constellations
are set against me
constellations of behavior
i can not take back

i am my only religion
a hero becoming man
acceptance is bearing
this torn asunder feeling

purpose is after thought
what led to what is...
now i awaken to bear
no weight I do not create

to defy the stars
my behavior awakens
to brake the rules nature has set
a hero becoming man

I bear no regrets

Goosey Night

2006-10-31T16:50:51Z

So today I feel sorta good. I had a really nice time hanging out with Missa last night. I stopped by the apartment to see if she needed help packing and we ended up going out for dinner and before that to see an amazing haunted house set up in this nice guy's front yard. I never saw such a cool set up for Halloween before. He had all sorts of ghosts, ghouls and tortued beings animated with motors he built himself. It was a real labor of love. If he isn't in weird NJ, then he should be!!!

Since it was mischief night (I like to call it Goosey Night myself, but I also swear that a sub sandwhich should be called, right and proper, a Hoagie) the kids were out toilet papering the trees. We drove through a couple spots where they had hit, and it was a strangely beautiful experience. I felt like I was going through some sort of haunted car wash, which is funny because this morning I found my car covered in shaving cream and more toilet paper. But it made me smile. And so did having a nice night with Missa. It was probably one of the best times I have had with her in a long, long time...

distance and goals

2006-10-30T14:18:36Z

So driving to work from my mother's house takes me just under 3 hours. It sure gives me a lot of time to mull things over in my head. Today I kept getting hit over the head with the thought that Melissa will be in her own place probably by the end of the week...the apartment is going to seem so lonely, and I know I am going to be a wreck. It is such a shame that our inner efforts don't shine on some giant scoreboard throughout our lives, cause right now I could use to see myself on the giant screen doing a touchdown dance just because I got to work and am able to keep stamping down the thoughts of loss with more constructive thoughts. I am feeling things so much more intensly than in quite a while, and I have a feeling that this is just the tip of the iceberg. I am praying to keep myself calm and collected, and focussed. I have set some goals, and I will try my best to see them come into fruition. There is one goal that I have not listed, and will remain unspoken, as it is the same goal I have carried with me for some 12 years now...I am on the 1 yard line in enemy territory, I see the other end of the field and it seems so far away...

but I have been here before and I will find my way back Home.

Goalz

2006-10-29T22:46:24Z

I need to start setting them and reaching them. Mostly, I need to learn how to make dreams into goals. I have tons of dreams of what I want in life. Now is the time I either set them and achieve them, or sink. And I don't want to sink. I am on a path of regaining my awesomeness. I will be awesome once again...

Here's a couple to start me off:

1. Set up the apartment to record music with ease.
2. Record music
3. Play shows within 3 months time
4. lose weight and feel good and sexy again
5. get a radio show on wfmu
6. go to peru and hike machu pichu
7. go through agility training with my dog Dingo and win a trophy
8. keep setting goals

It hits me in waves...

2006-10-28T15:22:06Z

I keep thinking I can hold myself together and not fall apart because she left. I try to paint the silver lining around all the pain. Then I do something that I realize I will be doing alone, and for myself from now on. I feel cold butterflies of depression tickling my chest at the moment because I just made too much coffee, for just myself. I probably shouldn't even be drinking coffee. I have too much strange energy coursing through me like an overblown circuit as it is. I am pretty sure this is gonna take a real long time for me to accept and I am not really confident I have the strength to do it. The only thing I keep telling myself is, "This is an adventure..." and hope that if I say it often enough it will carry me away from this spot in my life to a place where I am loved by others and myself again.

[Note: I am restarting this live journal for a few reasons. First I feel like it is only fair for my thoughts to be out there for her to check in on if she is curious, and also because I need something to do with all the static in my head right now. And lasty because I am finding time to be this beast I need to feed in order to keep even a semblance of OK-ness.]

Memory "seems"

2005-10-11T17:34:52Z

After talking with Missa about the morning of the fire, I have come to realize how radically different people's memories of events can be. I remember being the first out of bed and running to the door, but Missa remembers her going to the door first, and then letting me go out after her. I remember seeing fire and Paul putting it out with a towel, whereas she only remembers smoke. Could it be that my memory has filled in the story to make it more interesting? Did I really only see smoke and perhaps the age old meme, "where there's smoke, there must be fire," just fill in the rest of the details for me? I can't say for sure, but I can say that just the mere realization that we as humans remember events differently, picking up what details resonate with our programming and editting out what doesn't fit so well, is perhaps the most fundamental "truth" that exists. If you can remember that my memory (or Reality) is made up by an entirely different cook than who made your Reality Stew, then the differences in memories seem less important to quarrel over. Everything seems, but not much Is...

...unless you are talking about "I Am".

FIRE!!!

2005-10-10T20:56:54Z

"Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must first set yourself on fire."

This past week has felt like being stuck in the movie "Ground Hog's Day." Each day repeating itself like a bad lunch. The inner inner-me still carries on about creativity and spark in the dark closet of my skull, but my body has been collecting the moss of the bored. The one moment of excitement came when Missa and I woke to the sound of pounding fists on our back door. I jumped up to see what all the hubbub was about only to be greeted by the smell of smoldering plastic and the sight of our upstairs neighbor smothering a fire from the fusebox out with a towel. Instantly I pictured my body as a pile of ashes left on the bed in the outline of my body. I took it all as a sign from the spirits to get a flame under my ass and start doing what I need to do...

So, here's to inner mounting flames...

The Bitch is Back!

2005-09-25T19:21:42Z

So, after a full evening of Missa and I trying our best to swallow down the yellow bile of anxiety and show our friend Mike who was visitting us a good time, we were all huddled around the warm glow of the laptop watching Sin City (which was rather good) when that little strumpet of a cat came trompsing back in the door as if nothing had happened. She is still moaning and yowling alot, so I dunno if she got the loving she went a pokin' for, but I am ultra relieved to have her back. I started wondering if we were gonna have kittens and what we would do with all of them, and Missa commented that I had just become a "mother". I don't relish the idea of a bunch of moody cats clawing up our little space pod apartment, but I sure don't feel I have it in me to give them away. It'll be funny to watch Dingo round them all up and herd them around the house. Time to start thinking up cat names...(leave any suggestions in the comments field!). The funniest thing about all this is how worried I was...not only did I walk around the streets shaking a mouse toy with a bell on its tail repeating the word, "Hepzibah" over and over, but I also upturned the whole apartment, and swirled her fishing rod toy around in the air near every single place she might possibly see it and be lured out. I felt like I was smudging the apartment with burning sage to purify the energy. I guess I realized how much I really do love that bratty cat, even after she mauled me a while back, leaving 25 distinct puncture wounds and a hand so red and swollen it looked like a catoon paw. Love sure is a funny thing...

Thanks to everyone who sent a good vibe our way, and thanks to Mike for putting up with two worry wart parents of 2 troublesome furbabiez.

Here Kitty Kitty

2005-09-24T17:05:20Z

Can't seem to find Hepzibah yet today. She had been in heat, and was yowling up a storm over the past several days. She is a moody cat, and will often hide the day away in some nook that I can never seem to find her in, so she might just be cuddled up in some corner that I have yet to turn over. The thing that has me a bit worried is that while sitting outside this morning, I heard a cat screatch, as cats who are mating will often do. I sure hope she didn't sneak out and elope. I love that little cat and would be distraught if she were to run away, not to mention how deeply it would effect Missa. If you are reading this, please send out a psychic tendril to drag the cat out of the bag and back into our arms. Thanks...

Sun comes up, Sun goes down...

2005-09-24T04:03:04Z

and here I sit
still seeking warmth
in the glow
of my computer screen.
No human hands
will touch me through
the glass.
Only my croch
gets hot
from the cpu's fever,
the rest of me
stands frozen
in a winter's gust.

(You know it is time for bed when you start emoting waxy poemz)